i'm at a real low in my life right now and sometimes i wish God would just hear me, so i pray everyday for direction in life. i guess He thinks it's funny when He lets me dream about my grandfather. everything was so clear. so real.
so alive.
so alive i woke up crying in bed.
雨下好乱半个夜晚
你不在身边怎么晚安
天好蓝要和你一起看
起风时由你来温暖
心事简单一句说完
要我们永远不会分开
有眼泪也因为你灿烂
你微笑因为我盛开
要谢谢爱让你
在我身边守护我的未来
有多少美丽奇迹
你手心里全都记载
好期待
要谢谢爱让我
学会宽容学会体谅关怀
像阳光陪着大海
是平静还是澎湃
都是爱
time is still. and cold air bites into my skin without remorse. there are so many things that i want to do with my life, yet i just that there's something holding me back. the lack of desire, passion and motivation. they say that your life flashes by just before you die - i'm thinking that when it happens to me, all i'd see would be a big black -SPLAT-. my life. nothing interesting. nothing so far.
nada. shit. squat. nothing. zero.
I am concrete dreams
escalating by Clarke Quay floating
on tonic and gin, grinning at the white folk
who pay my girls. I am 92 degree Wednesdays,
sweat stained schoolboys and soccer mud shoes
in a thirty people bus carrying forty,
with pineapples and mandarin oranges
sagging in a bag. I am mahjong playing
ancients, smoking. I am aluminum louvers and glowing
altars stabbed by joss sticks.
I am 89 degree yellow Tuesday crisping,
walking past single story miracles
that sell only bananas and coke.
I am water edged with a failing sense
of humor, green, with chlorophyll pages wafting
to Chinese opera on street corners. I am Lion dance
on Orchard road, flaunting my red,
denying my blue. I am Gucci and Prada
blighting oriental silk; wearing gray and Nikes
when I need nothing and slippers
I am five thirty sunrise. I am water
reclaimed as earth.. I am Friday evening beach ball
gone too far into sea, spicy barbeques and Cantonese
satin swearing. I am climbing trees to stare at people in matchbox
apartments vacuuming parquet. I am Heineken and jazz
washed over by Orion, diluted.
I am strangers
asking “have you eaten”, offering peanuts in patchwork
old town, smelling like cloves,
graced with beetle nut spit.
突然发现站了好久
不知道要往哪走
还不想回家的我
再多人陪只会更寂寞
许多话题关于我
就连我也有听过
我的快乐要被认可
委屈却没有人诉说
夜把心洋葱般剥落
拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候
想你更多
如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我
好多好多的话想对你说
悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和
舍不得又无可奈何
如果你也听说
会不会相信我
对流言会附和
还是你知道我还是我
跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
懂我的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔
张惠妹-如果你也听说
许多话题关于我
就连我也有听过
我想我宁可都沉默
其实反而显得做作
夜把心洋葱般剥落
拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候
想你更多
如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我
好多好多的话想对你说
悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和
舍不得又无可奈何
如果你也听说
会不会相信我
对流言会附和
还是你知道我还是我
跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
懂我的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔
如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我
跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
冷漠的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔
如果你想起我
你会想到什么
There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
I thought I might get one more chance
What would you think of me now,
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
Never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
So what would you think of me now
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
My mind is in disarray.
Kind of like a fish out of water feeling.
I'm easily irritable.
More of such emotions are definitely going to cause a schism within myself.
And I think I'm just holding it all inside. It's hard to find an outlet. An excuse just to burst out for no apparent reason. The stigma of tolerance. A stigma cause without it, i'd turn into a raging maniac going at anything or anyone without rhyme or reason. Too much of it, you get people like me, who can't find outlets to release their frustrations because they can't remember how. I seriously cannot remember how.
Perhaps it was due to my granfather's death. The three or four days during his funeral, I don't recall crying at all. Not a single tear. Not one. Maybe that's why I can't seem to put a finger on any real emotion anymore. Perhaps I've been lying to myself about everything since then. I'm just not so sure. I feel like a -Kinder Surprise. You unwrap me, eat the chocolate and find an ambiguous capsule inside with a random toy. Not so much of a forest gump "life is like a box of chocolate thing". More of a, woah, wtf is in the capsule today kinda thing. I really cannot remember having a "Mary Poppins" day - carefree and problem-less. Maybe it's just too fucking idealistic, afterall, wouldn't everyone appreciate a problemless life; being able to solve everything with just a "snap" of their fingers. But then again, there arises a problem - What if you are unable to snap? Anyway, I think perfection is boring. It's dull and unrealistic. As fuz once said, perfection is not really a goal, it's a journey. (I think fuz said this, not very sure).
My head is in shambles. I think God can't hear me anymore. No, I think I can't hear God anymore. My deaf, dumb and blind moments are constantly creeping back time and time again. I try to speak to Him. But He seems so far away. I guess I still believe that He answers, perhaps not in the way we expect Him too, but He does. The baptism sign on my forehead is flashing red, warning signs of a disgrunted Christian, warning signs of falling into the trap of drowning in the sea(s) of Hell and being skewered in the ass by Satan himself. I wish my guardian angel could sprinkle some magic dust on me, let me grow wings and fly me to lala land. Somewhere far, and away from everything. Not problemless, but just to be quiet by myself for just a day. I'd let the sun make sweet love to my skin, while i'm constantly stroked by the winds' gentle touch. Fuck, sounds like i'm missing the beach more than anything else. Bah.
I wish I had a gun. I'd put it in my mouth and eagerly squeeze the trigger. Hoping that the bullet will be ejected with so much force it blows a gaping hole in the back of my head servering my cerebral cortex and medulla oblongata and with it, all life from my already souless and emotionless self.
Bang! You've killed yourself again.
I'm feeling happy today. Well, quite at least. I don't know why. Perhaps the endorphins from the no nut famous chocolate chip cookies kicked in. -shrugs-
Anyway, I was doing some thinking about a conversation I had with Miss Brownie. If my memory serves me right, i remember discussing something along the lines of what ethics is. She was saying that ethics is for the priveliged. As in, not everyone should loosely say they are Ethical because they do blablabla; in other words the word ethics shouldn't be used so loosely.
I was mentioning to her that the definition of what is or isn't ethical is pretty much ambiguous - what do you define as ethics or being ethical? I was saying it was pretty much subjective and like the over told story of the man who steals medication for his sick dying wife because he can't afford it. Is it wrong, or right? Purists would say that just by stealing, he's already wrong because he has broken a law which is a criminal offence. Sympatheti(zers) or sympathetic people would think otherwise. Sort of like a use your heart over your head situation, yes? -shrugs-
Aiyar, whatever la. MWhahahah. I'm too lazy to think already. EPL's starting, or started. I'm not really sure. Not much EPL action in Australia. The only way to really catch all the matches is by subscribing to Foxtel Cable TV which sucks balls by the way. On the bright side though, Ruby World Cup (27 Days to go) will be shown on Ten. Yay! At least I still get to see some ball action, other than their stupid AFL.
I'm leading the prosaic life right now.
I'm absolutely dead; Blinded by life's suffocation of light, Deaf from life's rethorical rhymes and Starved from life's decapitated hope. I'm wondering like a blind deaf and dumb victim tossed in the lost and found section of the worlds' own reject bin (most victims are never found).
I cannot find happiness in anything anymore. Everything touched, tasted, heard and felt is souless to me. Everyone who speaks, who shouts, cries in pain or laughs hysterically, they are but a shadow of sanity and logic. There is no sorrow to be bled, no tear to cry nor life enough to breadthe a sigh. Unable to function. Unable to maintain my sainty. Depression is me. I am depression.
"He committed suicide about two years later, from exsanguination."
Brisbane once more. It feels different somehow. Perhaps maybe it's changed so much over the past 8 to 9 months, perhaps it's me who has changed.
The nights are lonely, quiet and many things that have happened have been left so unsettled back home. Everything I've done in the last few months, weeks and days I do not regret, but somehow there is a hint of unfinished business lingering somewhere. Maybe when Uni gets into full gear it'll distract me from such things. Maybe. Just maybe. There are so many things that I want to do with my life now; so many goals. Perhaps the fact that I haven't graduated is dawning on me so hard that I'm feeling this way. -But i shouldn't be worried right, cause afterall I'm back in Brisbane to clean the mess up- A mess. Yea that's what it is. My whole life is a mess right now. Possibly lousy timing for many things, possibly. But I've made my choice (choices) and I think i'm pretty happy with my choices. -sigh- I hope that everything turns out alright. Or if God willing, better than alright.
I think I'm going mad.
周杰伦 - 不能說的秘密
冷咖啡離開了杯墊
我忍住的情緒在很後面
拼命想挽回的從前
在我臉上依舊清晰可見
最美的不是下雨天
是曾與你躲過雨的屋簷
回憶的畫面 在盪著鞦韆 夢開始不甜
你說把愛漸漸放下 會走更遠
又何必去改變 已錯過的時間
你用你的指尖 阻止我說再見
想像你在身邊 在完全失去之前
你說把愛漸漸放下 會走更遠
或許命運的籤 只讓我們遇見
只讓我們相戀 這一季的秋天
飄落後才發現 這幸福的碎片
要我怎麼撿
I can't wait for it to come out.
Though I have this really bad feeling about it...
Just hope Michael Bay doesn't fuck it up!
On that note,
DIE AUTOBOTS!!!!
It's my birthday today.
Happy birthday to me happy birthday to me happy birthday to meeeeeeeeeee.
And I had a fantastic party.
Now,
time to rest.
Thank you all ( you know who you are) for making it one of the best birthdays I've had in so many years.
-love ya all.
I’m taking my kisses back from you
And returning the ones you gave for free
I’m sure you’ll probably get them again someday
But never again from me
I’m rubbing away the lipstick marks
And burning your sweet words in the dark
I’m packing away my homeless heart once again
Sprawled out on the sidewalk of pain
I’m forgetting the smells of who you were
While tearing your photos off the wall
In my favorite Tee and my cigarette of choice
Feeling jejune when you walked out the door
I wonder how it came to be my friend
This make shift road has come to an end
I’m taking a detour back to sanity
As you try to take your kisses back from me
I want my kisses back from you.
The first star I see, may not be a star.
We can't do a thing but wait.
So lets wait for one more.
And the time, such clumsy time in deciding if it's time.
I'm careful, but not sure how it goes.
You can lose yourself in your courage.
When the time we have now ends.
When the big hand goes round again.
Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?
And the mindless comfort grows,
when I'm alone with my great plans.
And this is what she says gets her through it:
"If I don't let myself be happy now then when?"
If not now when?
When the time we have now ends.
When the big hand goes round again.
Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?
I close my eyes and believe wherever you are,
you're an angel for me.
When the time we have now ends.
When the big hand goes round again.
Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?
And so another European Championship to AC Milan. Their 7th win really. I'm starting to wonder if red is really an unlucky colour or are English teams just not cut out for European Cups. Liverpool didn't play all that bad, just that their shots on goal were not as commited as ACs', and so, eventually, they lost 2 - 0. Oh well, what do I care honestly, I'm a Manchester United fan anyway.
__________________
Went to Fisherman's Wharf to eat on Tuesday. It was suppose to be just Tim, Fuz Sal and myself but Fuz's touch team came, well a couple of them at least. There were more that came but they just popped by to say, "Hi" and buggered off. Cliffy was there, Dan (the guy who huffs like a dog apparently) and this south african dude whose name I just cannot remember but face and size, I will never forget.
Everyone ordered the Creamy Dory while yours truly decided, fuck it, I'll have the, no no, not just any Silver Cod but the ALANTIC Silver Cod ($14 by the way as compared to the $6.50 Dory). Here I was sitting down eagerly waiting for dinner and when it came, all I could do was stare at my TWO pieces of 10cm by 2cm fish. HWA LAN EI. I nearly flipped. I'm sure as hell certain that Long John Silver serves bigger pieces of fish. -Sigh- Oh well, lesson learnt I guess. Next time at FW, only Cream Dory for the world! Oh oh oh, I might be working there soon. As a waiter. Shall see how it goes. Am not really looking forward to smelling like fried fish everyday but heck, I need the money. Well, not need, but would love to have some more. So, if you're ever near Clarke Quay or Boat Quay, do drop by.
Who knows, I might even throw in a bit of that "home-made" special sauce.
And so the weekend's come to a close again. Nothing really fairy-tale about it.
Went down to Wala's again today.
E.I.C was playing as they normally do every Sunday.
It's actually pretty amazing how they manage to entertain the crowd every time they're up on stage. It's possible that on certain days, they might be having a dose of the "shittest of shit" feelings but heck, they always rock the house.
As one idiot once said "The show must go on."
Somehow I've always associated EIC with Fuz, Steve, Ling, Jessica. -shrugs- Could be a temporary thing. Heh. Ah well, booze is always good; better especially with great music and fantastic company.
Because of J&L, I've specially dug out my rusty old camera getting ready to be the next camera whore. MWahaha. It -is- really addictive. Taking photos. Especially with crazy crazy people.
___________
Planning a trip with Sally, Tim and ike. Not sure where the destination is really but it's safe to assume that it's either Bali or Phuket. Accommodation's free all thanks to Tim -muack- and so all I have to do is fork out cash for the air ticket, and food, oh and prolly the occasional Spa treatment and whathaveyous. Ah yes, looking forward to unwinding and spending money, again.
Now to look for a job. T_T
"Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds
Dreaming aloud
Things just won't do without you, matter of fact
Ooh I'm on your back, I'm on your back, Ooh I'm on your back"
Foo Fighters - Walking After You
It's been such a fucking long time since I've last posted anything but all I can say is that it's been a good break for me; traveling to Bangkok, meeting new people (tranny included) and trying really hard to get a temp job.
It's strange really, when you suddenly have this feeling of begin able to accomplish anything that you want. It's new. And I'm really savoring every moment of it.
Not more than a few months before I'll be heading back to Brisbane. I'm all up for Australia again, the work, the exams and whatever the wind blows in my direction. I've learned to take everything with a pinch of salt, add some water/vodka and enjoy. Being 25 and still trying fucking hard to complete my Degree is not something that I'm really proud of but heck, at least I've been given a second chance to prove myself once again yes? I sincerely want to make my parents proud this time. No more disappointing anyone, ho!
Anyway, time to sleep. 530am. Yes, sleep sounds delightfully wonderful indeed.
The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I
could
The first kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water the way you taught me
To look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love
-Snow Patrol "Make This Go On Forever"
Train this chaos turn it into light
I've got to see you one last night
Before the lions take their share
Leave us in pieces, scattered everywhere
Just give me a chance to hold on
Just give me something to hold onto
It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear cause you are all that I have
You're cinematic razor sharp
A welcome arrow through the heart
Under your skin feels like home
Electric shocks on aching bones
Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Just give me something to hold onto
It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear cause you are all that I have
It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear cause you are all that I have
There is a darkness deep in you
A frightening magic I cling to
Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Give me a chance to hold on
Just give me something to hold onto
It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear now you are all that I have
It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear now you are all that I have
After pondering over the mysteries of life; of why M&Ms melt in your mouth and not in your hands, I'm back.
Conjuring up my internal powers to will myself to write again has taken some time and hopefully some obscure creative monster will manifest itself from within me.
Omnipotent beings seem like distant stars
that strain to shine in the fading of the night
while overbearing day regains consciousness and takes flight.
Blotting all disillusionment of evening fall
where the restless wake and prance around in shades of shadows
formed when moonbeams shine on them.
