Along the road I encountered a diversion.

I didn't think of her before I fell asleep last night. I thought of another.
I didn't think of her when I awoke. I thought of another.

But as it is. It will remain a dream. Something I can personally smile about and
yet,
be sad about.

Sometimes I wish more was done.
Sometimes I wish I said yes.

But that's the past right? No regrets. Or are there?

"Cold and frosty morning there's not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind
And as the day was dawning my plane flew away
With all the things caught in my mind

And I wanna be there when you're...
Coming down
And I wanna be there when you hit the ground

So don't go away, say what you say
But say that you'll stay
Forever and a day...in the time of my life
Cos I need more time, yes I need more time
Just to make things right

Damn my situation and the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind
Damn my education I can't find the words to say
About the things caught in my mind

And I wanna be there when you're...
Coming down
And I wanna be there when you hit the ground

So don't go away, say what you say
But say that you'll stay
Forever and a day...in the time of my life
Cos I need more time, yes I need more time
Just to make things right

Me and you what's going on?
All we seem to know is how to show
The feelings that are wrong

So don't go away, say what you say
But say that you'll stay
Forever and a day...in the time of my life
Cos I need more time, yes I need more time
Just to make things right

Don't go away, say what you say
But say that you'll stay
Forever and a day...in the time of my life
Cos I need more time, yes I need more time
Just to make things right
Yes I need more time just to make things right
Yes I need more time just to make things right

So Don't Go Away "

Aye.
Monday.
Couple of more days to the new year.
It's amazing how time flies
And also how things change so fast.

Change is the only constant as cliche as it sounds.

Anyway, spent the night at veron's place.
Steph was there.
The three of use, no matter how long we've been apart
still click so well. It's really awesome.

I never realised friendship could be so patient and so enduring.
And i never realised something (a certain kinda feeling) growing inside of me.
But I guess, it's better if I keep it all hush hush now.

It was good catching up on old times. Good laughing so freely without any worries.
It was good enjoying each others company without anybody to bother us.

It was really something just seeing each other again.

Tonight's plan has been cancelled though.
Was suppose to savour some ice wine over at Veron's place (which was changed to my place)
But Veron's mum's taken ill.
Calvin's busy with his cousin's car and ryan won't come over without calvin.
Steph is. Well.. She's asleep. -pat- And a well deserved rest. Considering the fact that she didn't have time to recover from her jet lag
and she crashed over at Verons. She's really something ehz.

Oh well. We'll see how tomorrow goes then.

-smiles-

Bonne nuit.

Finally met steph after one over year.

It was a really good feeling.

It's what, almost six am.

I just finished GunBounding with Tim.

I think everyone is hooked onto it now. -evil smile-
Tim, Fazil, Kumar, Sal and Angela even.
Ha! [UOB] is offically revived. The GB way of course.

Anyway, it's been a while since I've actually appreciated my life.
My friends. Especially to the boys. (Fuz and Tim to be more specific)
How can I ever thank you guys enough?
For all my whining and bitching and depression, you were always there for me.
For the movie watching, the prata munching and late night LAN raves.
For taking time to stay over when I secretly needed to be with people but told no one.
You guys kept me alive.

To j.o aka jamba. I guess God does have His little plans. Thanks for keeping me sane and away from trouble and stupidity.
Even thought you're so far away, it seems like only yesterday that we were kids, so carefree and innocent playing at Normanton.
Come home to your chinky homies here soon! -lol-

To mei. -HUGS- What more can I say? You always take my mind off things. Always.

I think I feel slightly better now.
With the months/ years to come. Maybe I'll become me again.

For now, I'll just keep reminding myself not to lose my childish innocence. -griN-

Oh and steph should be back today. I think. -ponders-

To her.
You know who you are.

Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I'm

Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

So this is the way I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way

Switchfoot - Learning to Breathe

And happy belated birthday.
I didn't forget.

Simple love was there to wait
And took I did without question or debate
Fostered by an emotion that ran within
I closed my eyes and savoured loves beam

Time passed and two years on
The Angels harp stopped playing our song
A heart was changed and a passion died
A heart was stopped
The Angels cried


The Angel is still crying in pain.

So it seems the weather has it's own agenda.
The monsoon has arrived.
And along with the rain came my emotions of yesterday.

Somehow, pesudo happiness is all I know.
It's trying to prevent others from being depressed because you are depressed that makes it so hard.
You feel so hurt and yet
You try and hide the truth from everyone,
especially your family,
because you don't want them to hurt with you.

She has read my wrath.
But she knows not the pain I suffer silently with my tears that fall from my
pain embedded eyes
Late at night.

She said that she suffered pain, for about half the time when she was with me.
And that she is going through the pain now.
But all I see, if her happiness with someone else.
The joy, the "love", the understanding we had.
Is now ALL about someone else.
I guess, I should be happy for her. Right?

But how can I find it when it has been stolen me?

I went to sing karaok today. (KBOX)
My second time in many many years.
(The only reason why I went for this session was cause it was kef's bdae)

Didn't sing much.
Just a couple.
Sang one song half way.
Why?
Cause halfway through it i started crying. -lol-

Jay Chou - Hei Se You Mo

I just felt so sad singing (yes i can actually sing) that song.


Maybe you will call me strange. Say I'm stupid and things like that.
Heck I even think she really hates me after my out burst the other day.
But you know, as stupid as it may seem.

I miss her.

And I can safely say that I did really love her once.
And no, no matter what I wrote and said that night on my blog, I can never bring myself to hate her. Why? Cause I'm just not made like that. I am not like that.

Anyway thanks bro for the night. And yes, i had fun. Lots of it.
Happy Birthday to you bro.

"Hung up here on a web of comfort.
Taking off with nowhere to go.
Standing tall with but your new cloak armor.
Making out like it's all been done.
It's harder than it seems.
You slip but never fall.
They'll take you, when you wont come back to me.
Tearing down what we built up so well.
Layin low as you came my way.
Look alive with your head on backwards, goin off when there's nothin wrong.
It's only in your dreams, but it felt like it was real.
They'll take you, when you won't come back to me.
Hang loose, my friend dont walk away from me,
because i really think you're cool.
Is it worth turning back despite these open hands?
You're tearing me apart.
They'll take you, when you won't come back to me.
(you need to find yourself)"

Jimmy Eat World - Seventeen

OMG I HOPE YOU BOTH FUCKING DIE OF LUNG CANCER.

GOD FORGIVE ME.
BUT I CAN'T TAKE HER BULLSHIT AND MOTHER FUCKING LIES ANYMORE.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO WRONG TO DESERVE ALL THIS SHIT?

SHE ONLY TWO TIMED WHEN SHE WAS 14? HAHAHA? FUCK THAT SHIT.
SHE WANTS TO HELP ME GET THROUGH MY PAIN? FUCK THAT.
SHE KNOWS WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH? GO FUCK YOURSELF.
SHE UNDERSTANDS THE AMOUNT OF PAIN I AM FEELING?WHAT LIES.
ALL LIES.

ALL LIES.
FROM DAY ONE.
AND THAT SON OF A MOTHER FUCKING CHEEBAI CUNT HEAD. I HOPE YOUR DICK DROPS OFF. MAY YOU TWO BURN IN HELL AND YOUR SOULS NEVER RETURN.
HAPPY FUCKING EACH OTHERS BRAINS OUT.

FUCK YOU TWO.

I HOPE YOU READ THIS. AND TELL THAT MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING ASSHOLE.
I HOPE HE COMES AND FIND ME.

I DARE YOU TO COME AND FIND ME.

-Nod-
It's been a couple of weeks since i've arrived back in sunny Singapore.
Most of it has been spent hanging with my bros.
Most of it has been spent LANNING with my bros.
Some of it with my beloved family
A bit of it with God. (Not enough)

My heart is still raw. Tender. Broken. Devastated.
Everyday I tell myself, fuck it. Fuck it. She's not worth it.
But I can't run from my emotions.
I run and I run but they chase after me tirelessly as if meaning to stigmatize my whole emotional being, forever.
I fall. And there I am thrown back into the morbidness of my self, of my weaker side, I stumble and I slip back into my own patheticness.
My own foolishness.
My heart's incurable pain.
(Love)

As for her. She's a happy woman (as her friendster says). Should I deny her this happiness by throwing myself into a rage of fury and bad mouth her every being as well as her new other half? Should I pity her and reason with myself that everything she said was the gospel truth? Should I dip my tounge in the bitter taste of angst before savouring the sweetness of it or should I keep on running and running and screaming like a mad man up a moutain full of emotions trying to find an outlet and finally crash when i reach the end?
She doesn't know what I'm feeling.
She doesn't care.
She's got him.
And he's got her.
I don't expect her to.
And that's what's hurting.
Knowing that someone you cared for so much suddenly doesn't give a shit about you anymore.

Anymore.

I need a life.

" Spinning, laughing, dancing to
Her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone

Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
That comes along

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own

Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone "

Norah Jones - Seven years

"Jesus, lover of my soul."

What is love.

The only love i believe in now is from God.

God is Love.

I just woke up.
And I cried.
I'm an emotional freak.
But I just can't control what I feel.
I feel so angry, so sad and so useless.

So much pain.

So much so that my heart often stops whenever I think, of them.

Of her.

Seeing her again was so comforting and yet so incredibly diffcult.

When I heard those words.

I just died.

I'm so fed up.
And i'm so down.

The news was worse than I thought.
I thought i was strong.



But I am not.

It's been a couple days or so that i've been back.

Listening to Ja rule and Ashanti now - Mesmerize

Sitting at home with nothing to do. Bored. What is bordem?
Sometimes I think I complain too much though I'm home now.
I don't know, I guess these past few days have been rather trying for me.

To sort out my life, my mind and my emotions.
Was over at Veron's house the other night and I watched this movie called Love And Sex.
Nothing much really. Or maybe I just was too numb to feel anything. Yea I guess i was.

Was out with Kellin and Veron and Iyn yesterday. Met up with Kellin first for lunch and then a movie and then after met up with Veron and Iyn. It was really good meeting them after such a long time. It was just talk talk talk and more talk. Nothing's better than just chilling away from the crowd and the problems in life and just trying to relax. Yea. Relax.

Relax. Something I haven't done in a long while.

Well, I'm pretty darn free nowadays. So like if anyone wants to ask me out. Just hollar.
I'm using my SingTel line again so yea.

Okay. So i lied. I'm back home much earlier than the expected date. Who cares anyway?

I remember that someone taught me a lesson on intuition.
This time I had an intuition. And I wasn't wrong.
And at least I know that she's really happy without me.


Damn. I'm really home.