Forrest Gump once said that life is like a box of chocolate, you'll never know what you're gonna get. I say, that's bullshit. Then again, Mr Gump was retarded.

Anyway, how was Christmas? This year the only present I got was a puke faced housemate whom I had to drive home. The housemate only had 4 glasses of wine and the saddest part was that the housemate wasn't even female.

It was the first Christmas without my family and it felt really weird. No carols, no laughter, no hugs, no Merry Christmas mum or dad - just my puke faced housemate. He was like a monolithic machine that kept spewing and spewing.
___

Anyhow, a few days before Christmas, I went to a club called The Beat. It was the beat alright. It was techno monomaniacs on the first floor - picture a medium sized dance floor with only four or five people facing a huge ass mirror and dancing their willies all over the place. And yep, you guessed it, they had their neons lights. They were rigged with neons tighter than you could hook up a GTR with neons; and they were dancing? I highly question the word dancing here because shaking your body like a life size vibrator wouldn't actually be considered dancing now would it? Would it? They were more like vibrating chirstmas trees.

Brushing it aside, I continued to follow my friends to the second floor...and this was when things started to get really really REALLY suspicious. Firstly, the Dj was spinning Kylie's Na Na Na song which was followed by It's Raining Men (take a hint?) Secondly, the people there were wearing really little, not just the women, the men too. Thirdly, I was getting stares from the same sex. It was then, that I caught sight of a giant poster with two semi-naked muscular men hugging and tonguing each other....I WAS LIKE FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK. No wonder they called it -The Beat- cause you had guys straddling up next to one another and beating their cocks against each others ass on the dance floor.

I guess I wasn't really paranoid that it was a gay club. Hell, my housemate didn't give a shit. He even boogied his way into the middle of the dance floor. He was, of course, drunk.

It was more like, strange; you know, it's was like a chinese man walking into a malay coffee shop and asking for Char Siew Rice.

Yea, I left after 10 mins and finally figured out why two of my friends didn't want to go in at the start. Smart choice I'd say. And I rubbed the big ass club chop off, the one you need when you re-enter the club, with my sliva immediately. Didn't really want to get beaten up by people who hated faggots, not that I'm one of course. (Yes faz and boon, I'M ABSOLUTELY SURE I'M NOT A FAG.)

And yes, them vibrating chirstmas trees were gay too.

Jesus Christ Mary and Joseph!

Carol gave birth to a healthy 3 kg+ baby boy at Mt Elizabeth, 530pm Singapore time! TODAY!

Yet to be named, but I'm sure it won't be a stupid one like Gaylord.

-Bustard-

Fine, so I guess not all the bus drivers in Australia are nice and patient.
I decided to take the 427 bus instead of 428 because it took a more direct route back to my place which meant that I could get home earlier, but as I boarded the bus...

Me: "Hi, one ticket to indooroopilly... -in a polite manner-"

Diver: "PLEASE."

Me: "Sorry?"

Driver: "PLEASEEEEEE. -contorts face and mumbles some rude comment-"

Me: "Man, fuck you. I DON'T have to say please to get a ticket and ride in your shit bus."

And I walked off turning around and pointing the universal sign which only fuckheads like him are meant to see and deserve.

Like, good god, just because I'm asian, don't undermine me and think you can pull a fast one. I don't think I should be nice to fat,smelly,balding and rude bus drivers like you muthafucker.


Ended up taking the 428 home instead.


Bustard.

Out and Running....

Australia's a really famous country for all kinds of shit..more specifically, Brisbane's a really famous state for most kinds of shit, most famous, for it's fucked up weather.

I was at the coast on Saturday and I reckoned I'd get a nice brown crisp tann to put some sexiness into old fat pasty me. Brisbane being Brisbane however, pissed on my plans.

You see, I was already at the beach, getting my stuff out (beach mat, tanning lotion, booze etc) when suddenly, it started raining. I mean, for petessake, the sun was still shining when it suddenly rained. And mind you, it didn't just -rain- it freaking poured like some cow suddenly realised it could pee and decided to have a go at it for the next 2 hours.

You could imagine how pissed -I- was.

Heh. On another note, at least the bus divers here are nice to people. They're polite, patient and understading even though sometimes they can't understand what the fuck some asian students (mainly those from China) are trying to say when they board the bus..

Asian Student, " Yarlow, van teeket to kinsland unibersity prease."

Bus driver, "What? Could you repeat that please."

Asian Student, "Van stoodent teeket to kinsland unibersity. kkkinsssland....uniberrrssiiity. You know?"

Bus driver, "-dumbfounded look- Sorry? What was that? -thinks awhile- Oh, rigghtt..one ticket to QQQueeeensland University. That's a dollar ten please."

Asian Student,"Wa, 10 dollars?"

Bus driver, "No no, it's ONE dollar and TEN cents. Thanks."

Asian Student, "-spastic smile- HEEEE... ogae. Tank Kew."

I mean if I was the bus driver and I come across someone saying this kinda shit to me, I'd say, sorry, retards aren't allowed on the bus, and drive off.

I know I know, it's bad of me to say such a thing but I can't help it, I get embarrassed when I see things like that. I get even more embarassed when I have Singaporeans taking the same course as me and they can't speak proper english; nor even try to. It's embarrassing because English is suppose to be our -first- language. -Sigh- It just says alot about Singaporeans I suppose.

Anyway, back to Need For Speed Most Wanted. SLR Mclaren here I come!

-One summer day-

I was taking a fag at the balcony and I couldn't help notice my friend's armpit hairs sticking out. It reminded me of them porn stars in the 70s.

Me: "Dude, your armpit hairs look like King Kong's pubes."

Marcus: "Fuck you la kok, can't help it if I'm hairy right?"

Me: "Yea, you're so hairy they filmed a bug's life on your armpits."

Marcus: "Fuck you la kok. What do you want me to do?"

Me: " Go trim those hairs man."

Marcus: " -Contemplates- Okay lor."

-Runs and gets kitchen scissors...ones which I use to cut meat, veggies etc-

-20 mins later-

Marcus: "Oei kokster, I trim already la. King Kongs' now a sexy bitch nia. -displays armpits-"

Me: "Walau. You really trim ah? Might as well go shave off la!"

Marcus: "Zhun bo? Use what shave? Shaving blade ah?"

Me: "Yea la, and use them shaving cream also. Quite shiok."

-10 mins later-

Marcus: "Eh. King Kong's a shaven haven! Sexy bo."

Me: " -Bursts out laughing- Wa cb you really went to shave? Good luck bro. Good luck."

Marcus: "knn you bluff me issit? I thought you said shiok. Somemore say good luck for what."

-2 days later-

Marcus: "Wa CCB.The stubbles are fucking itcy and ridiculous lor. King Kong looks like he's got outbreak of black heads."



Maybe I should ask him to shave his pubes.

-Hrmm-