I dreamt of her last night.
After that i just couldn't go back to sleep.
It was so real.
The way she held my hand and the way she put her head on my lap when she was tired,
And the way I placed my arms around her waist to comfort her.

I woke up crying.

It's been over a week now, and I'm still trying to psyc myself into believing that everything is over.
No phone call from her.
No ICQ messages (cause i'm probably on her invisible list on icq even though she says she can't remember putting me on it)
No MSN messages (reasons same as above)
No emails cause she says there are no interesting ones lately.

I really don't know. She's probably having a great time without me in her life anymore. Her new friends her new life, her new found freedom, maybe, just MAYBE a new found love? But it's all speculation and anyway, I'm suppose to be happy that she's happy right? No matter what right?

Right?



4 more fucking days.

It's funny how when there are so many things on your mind you just can't sleep.
I slept at 2am last night and woke up at 5am.
It's uncanny how I never was able to do this during normal school days.
I guess it's just how we're wired up emotionally, mentally and physically.

I woke up missing her. You know, the times when you wake up next to someone you really love and just feel so comfortable. Yea, that kinda feeling. That nuanced feeling.


Oh well, I guess that's all passe now.


6 more days.

I woke up today and said to myself, "Fuck it."
I don't know, I guess it comes to a certain point in time when you actually give yourself a kick in the butt and go, hey, life has more to this than losing someone you love.
I still have to live life.
Sure. The pain still eats you. The thought of her ever being with someone else stabs you in the foot but, fuck, all will be well. It has to be. Because you have friends, family and most importantly, you always have God. With Him, nothing matters anymore. And I believe the only person one should die for is Him. And Him alone.


7 more days.

"She got out of town
On a railway, New York bound
Took all except my name
Another alien out on Broadway
Some things in this world you just can't change
Some things you can't see until it gets too late

Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world
And maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something that's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
Then you should turn yourself around and come on home"

I guess at this very moment in my life. Everything seems so sudden and everything seems so surreal. In a life time that seemed to last forever, it has ended in a single moment. All I can say is that I don't hold any grudges or any form of hate in me. All I have is a very real pain and a better understanding of how this was meant to be. How she was meant to be. I want to thank her for teaching me to be a better person, to be more patient with others and to listen not only with my ears but to listen with my heart as well. I will certainly miss her. And I definitely still love her with my every being. To whoever has that luxury of winning her heart in time to come..

Please keep in mind some things.

1) Don't call her Thumbs, she hates that, and never say that she's slow.

2) Always tell her the truth and never lie to her.

3) Never snap at her when you find it hard to reason with her/disagree with her. Always be patient.

4) After you kiss her gently on her lips, rub your nose against her nose. It makes her feel warm inside.

5) Even though she doesn't openly show her concern, it doesn't mean she loves or cares for you less. She still does.

6) Never be jealous if she wants to meet her guy friend on a one on one date and say it's okay if the guy sends her home.

7) Never make her cry, it's the worst thing you can ever do to her.

8) Constantly give her hugs and call them "huggie wuggies"

9) After she showers, she likes her hair to be wiped for her with her towel, after doing so, take a wiff and always remember how beautiful she smells.

10) When you express the words, I love you to her, always mean it. And give her your all.

11) When you go out with her, never make a fuss about the way she wants to hold your hand.

12) Always buy red pearl milk tea for her when you can, and don't steal her bubbles along the way.

13) She loves her tom yam soup. Her favourite is Thai Yin. And be prepared to adds lots of chilli for her and buy a cup of Thai Iced tea as well.

14) When she's lying on her bed, massage her back, especially her neck, because that's where she likes it the most.

15) Remember, her favourite colour is blue. And she does not like anything with too much chocolate.

16) Write poems for her, one a day for the everyday that you spend together.

17) Always change your dressing when you go out with her, and never wear berms on her birthday.

18) Leave her Godpa alone, even though he may not like you and doesn't approve of you, take no hostile action and love her the way your heart would tell you to.

19) When she is asleep, look at her, take a moment and realise that you've fallen in love with a really beautiful person. Stroke her face.

20) Be positive. And always look forward to a new day with her in your arms.

21) When she's feeling under the weather, make an impression of Yoda. -HRMM- That always makes her laugh.

22) When you hug her from behind, put your palm on her belly and feel her comfort.

Stop to think of what you have missed, slivers of your life like before the silvering of
your hair
Close your eyes, take a deep breath
What do you feel? I smell life in its nuanced smells,
Think about your life and what you should be doing today
I love my life for not what it should or what it was but for what it is
Think about where you want to be today. A carpe diem.

In stygian nights
I do write these words
That stray into verses
From letters to stanzas
From stanzas poetry
Wherein my mind drifts away
On an ocean full of neglected thoughts
In a frigate where words are fought.

As they flow from West to East
Paralled with each heart beat
I sought for more rythm
Before this safehouse is sunk

I have died.
From what I have cried.
For what?
I am not too sure now.
These finger tips tastes every hour that
Slip through these uncertainties.
I have died.
From what I have cried.
What I thought could be
But was never real; and could never be.
I have died.